Board Thread:Role Ideas (Mafia)/@comment-39067078-20190613180235/@comment-28092296-20190622220439

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The Juggernaut was tired of it.

In the lone, sickly rain, the Juggernaut had nothing to hide under, nothing to appreciate.

He remembered the Godfather he had spoken to before. He wasn't too bad, but chaos angered him ​​​​​​.''' This isn't explained enough. I don't know wht 'chaos angered him' means, even after knowing that the Godfather is corrupt and evil from my time playing Town of Salem.''' The Town was despicable. He lowered his arms shielding him from the rain and ran to the warm meeting house on the side of town. The 3rd and 4th lines should be in one paragraph.

He opened the door to be greeted by the Mafia... though not friendly. Not transitioned correctly.

"Leave!", the Godfather said. 'said' is a weak word choice here

"You know what you did!", he spat in anger. '''This line and the lines above it/below it make it look like there's a third figure involved in this conversation, the GF/Jugg and somebody arguing with the GF. If the 'spat in anger' line was from the Jugg, it wouldn't make sense to turn him from angry to acting defenseless and sad.'''

The Juggernaut just looked at him sadly and was about to say an apology.

Just then, a Vigilante broke through the door of the house. This is random and has no foreshadowing or otherwise introduced element—it comes out of nowhere.

"I've found you! You're going to be gone, pesty Consigilieres!"

The Godfather and his minions hid behind a chair, put another object here, I doubt they all fit behind a chair the Vigilante about to shoot the desk the Consigiliere was hiding behind. You just said the Consig was hiding behind a chair with the rest of the Mafia

At this moment, the Juggernaut knew he had to do something. Although not innocent, the people here did not deserve death, no matter how much things happen. Everything had a cause. '''Why does the Juggernaut attack the Vigilante and essentially confirm his death? Also, according to the logic that nobody should be killed, the Juggernaut shouldn't side with the Mafia, who are obviously killers and therefore enemies to the Juggernaut's personal philosophy.'''

The Juggernaut fought hand-against-gun used something like 'tackled' or 'pounced', it doesn't make much sense in my head to see some guy getting reading for a streetfight while the other guy takes out a gun and doesn't shoot in the seconds he had to react to the Juggernaut, attempting to wrestle it out of the Vigilante's hand.

It didn't matter though, he had just one with a single strike to the head. '''Read this sentence out loud. "he had just one with a single strike?" Also, saying 'it didn't matter though' would imply that it didn't matter that the Jugg was wrestling for control of the gun and that his efforts were futile, not the Vigilantes'''

The Godfather slowly came out of hiding. His frown slowly turning to a wicked smile.

"You... are our champion." Why does the Mafia and Juggernaut trust each other when it's clear that the Jugg's relationship with the Mafia is close to over with the Jugg trying to run away earlier?

"These stories aren't the main focus of the role idea", I know, I know. I just wanted to edit the story itself, since I feel that since it's included, you want it to be judged/at least read :P

If you want, I can re-write a story based upon the themes/ideas/plot I get from this story and post it to you. Your choice, though.