User blog comment:Rasengan66/BM Chapter 1/@comment-35813313-20190330025838

All right! I'm about 2/5ths of the way through your story. As you saw through the picture I sent you, I meant to copy/paste your story into a Google Doc and share it with you, but I accidentally used my personal email and I don't want to redo all the comments. Here is everything I wrote in the comments of your doc:


 * Don't start a story with "suddenly". This word is more of a lead-in.

Overall, I'm finding myself to be really engrossed in your story thus far. Well done!
 * "A mysterious voice came roaring out of the void" The word "mysterious" is redundant. Use a different word.
 * "out of the void, shattering the silence." This is really well written, but you could provide imagery to go along so it's easier for people to visualize this.
 * " It was dark and cold, and it reeked with evil." Remove this; change "reeked" to "reeking".
 * "Kansuke. Those Icelandic" Replace the period with a comma.
 * "Go, get rid" Remove the comma.
 * "Only three pure white bats silently flapped out of the cave, flying away into the faraway sunlight." Have I mentioned I really love your imagery? It's captivating.
 * "spoke this time. Their voice" This is the correct current pronoun, but the usage is incorrect. I'm getting the idea that this is not an earthly being, so I'd use "it" here. If it turns out to be a being with gender later on, I'd change it to "he" once it is revealed.
 * "as if they wanted something done that just wouldn’t work" This is too informal as opposed to the rest of this scene. Rephrase this.
 * "heard now: A smacking" Lowercase all words that come after colons.
 * "for the third time: “At last… You’ve"" Replace the colon with a period, and lowercase all words that come after ellipses.
 * "Of course not. That's impossible." The rest of your story is in past tense, so make this "that was".
 * "to himself, I just need to get" Replace the comma with a semicolon.
 * "his demigod friends. But unfortunately," A lot of authors don't like it when the word "but" is used at the beginning of a sentence. I personally have no problem with it; however, it's not necessary here because of the word "unfortunately". Remove this.
 * "no magical parent to grant him any" This should be a complete thought.
 * "and a father about as decent as a dirty sock." This made me chuckle. Again, your figurative language is on point.
 * "Every once in a while," Make this a new paragraph.
 * "a monster would approach out of the forest." Explain the types of monsters; that will help the reader "sink" into the world you're creating here.
 * "I can’t be a hero. I’ll just go to college and become a scientist like my mother wants. Yeah, that’s alright with me. Let Tanro & his friends go save the world." This should be italicized.
 * "As he walked out into the light" Are you talking about Kurato or Shirita? Make this more clear.
 * "he, rather than turn for a long day of school" Use a different phrase here.
 * "He was early, as usual." Remove the comma.
 * "15 minutes before we were supposed" You'd typically write out "fifteen" instead of "15", but that's a nitpicky issue. Also, first-person? The story is is third person...
 * "Hatsuga was the opposite. He was normally pretty late." Combine the two sentences with a semicolon; your sentences are extremely short.
 * "There was a strangely shaped mossy rock right in the center, with many oddly-placed lumps." Explain this rock earlier when describing the setting, then briefly re-mention it here.