User blog:ZedKiller13/Appreciation, Or So They Say

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'''Looking back on that other blog thread, I'm happy I deleted it. Complete understatement and I had plans to delete that for a long while. Only held back because of the memories of users who commented on it. Shame.'''=====

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'''When you complete a task, or a challenge, or a quest, or a mission, or an edit, or discover something new, you always have a desire to be thanked for it, right? A little appreciation. Something that someone tells you in recognition of your own achievement. When someone does, it makes you feel good inside. And when someone doesn't respond to the post, or only a few people do, it isn't much of a big deal. Most of the time, at least. Sometimes it sucks when your post is ignored, or barely talked about, but that happens in a wiki.'''=====

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'''Now, I am not asking for appreciation or anything like that, mainly because I don't feel like I should bother trying to. This isn't a post on how I should be appreciated, but rather a post to show my appreciation...for appreciation.'''=====

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'''Most of my earlier life, I wasn't given a compliment often at all. I’ve had very little circumstances where I was presented with a "Good job dude!" or "Thanks for that!" or anything. Barely any of that came up. I reached a point where I would get emotional over even the slightest compliment or shown appreciation, it didn't matter what was said, anything that I got was taken to the fullest extent and I ended up thinking about it for the rest of the day, and thinking about what else I could do or other possible situations or things I could do to get even more. Playing sports was a big one for me in my high school years, led by my grandfather at the time, who would appraise me for whenever I improved in the sport, and that was my biggest remembrance of him; he always kept a positive view on me.'''=====

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'''A lot of my old threads were influenced by a desire for appreciation, coming back to 2-3 years ago. We can go back to where I reached 365 edits in 2.1 months, which I had taken from the editing race at the time between about 5 users, to the "Roast the Person Above You", for good old fun, but that one was led with the idea of "maybe someone will thank me for spiking up Wiki Activity" and that type of thought. I now hate myself for trying to get a weird tournament out of it that my schedule at the time was unable to efficiently manage. I hate the look of that second one even if it was as good of a roasting compilation as the first. Then you had the Psychopath roleplay, which was influenced entirely by the DanganRonpa RP's at the time; I wanted to include the idea of Addfire and others' having characters move around and do what they want, kind of hypocritical when I forced Desert to murder about every single person except for one, maybe even two. All my own doing. Looking at it now I hate the extra weird features I added, like a shop, or "Janitor" or whatever else extra there was. The sequel was fine, could've been better, but as they say, the original is always the best. But god I hate those additions now. But everyone hates their old self, right?'''=====

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'''The Psychopath RP was special as I ended up getting a lot of short stories about the events written by the now-veterans of the wiki. I really, really enjoyed those and they were part of the reasons I enjoyed getting into the style of role playing around in whatever the situation brought.'''=====

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'''And then we hit the "Say What You Respect About The Person Above You" thread. By golly, that thread was entirely dedicated to getting some kind of appreciation, but it also had the effect of getting the wiki together in a more rough time as issues regarding or involving everyone began to form. I enjoyed how that thread, even if I ended up barely participating compared to many other users, put everyone back together for the first 200 posts. A lot of sincerity came out of that thread and it brightened the mood for everyone. Even if the thread slowly began to run out of steam, posts became shorter and shorter, it started to derail, it sooner or later would fall back onto its track and keep the idea rolling. References galore to other known threads, appreciation of everyone, it. Was. Perfect.'''=====

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'''We can even go to my Administrator application. The response from users there was so much of a boost to my mental state at the time it solidified my continuation of still being here today. I thank every single one of you for that; and I thank those who helped put me in that spot today.'''=====

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'''I had a knack for highlighting threads (highlight was a wiki-wide notification at the time now-removed) that I probably shouldn't have, but the response generated might've made it okay. For most of them, I think. Eh, it happened, but you can still find it all if you look back in time to the slates of the past.'''===== '''When the wiki drama hit and people started talking about the failure of role idea reviewing and/or just general drama, my rant on that issue was surprising to most. Not like it's a huge thing but that makes me think about my own stature at this time and before.'''

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'''I think my only fear that I have is that I don't know how my current reputation holds up here. I don't know what the response will be when I eventually end up moving on in god who knows how long. I don't know whether people will notice it or not or would bother spreading it around. I don't know if I would become a statement in the history of this wiki. I don't know how much people care about the stuff I do. I don't know if I feel like I am doing enough that I can for the wiki, because then I feel like I am doing too much, and then someone gets a problem fixed or a question answered that I could've done. I thank them for that but I keep thinking if someone now thinks lower of me for some god-for-saken reason. I don't know what I could do to become a better me, since I run on an in-the-moment basis now which is also causing me to doubt myself. I don't know whether I am presenting myself enough for when I want some of my own plans enacted and finished and the goals are completed. I don't know how long I can really get before something major changes and some things easily changeable before are no longer fixable. I don't know how much I present myself to helping out others to the point where I get recommended to help out in answering a question. I don't know if I need to change something to get myself active more socially or not to be the guy people can look up to. I don't know whether I know enough or not about certain issues, and whether I should know more or not. I don't know if I can truly make someone's day, or find a solution, or fix/define a problem, or help someone through something. I don't know if people respect me truly or not and I don't want to ask anyone of that directly. I don't know if, and who, I would've, could've, should've, or have made an impact on, and once again, I don't try to ask that question to people because that question is dense and mindless. I don't know where my place is in this wiki, or what I'm here for, what I have done, what I could do, what I should do, or what people expect me, or ask me, or tell me to do and for the third time I don't want to ask that question.'''===== '''The tiniest thing to some is affecting me directly, but that's apparently who I am. The "count before a staff member posts" thread went bad on my part and I don't blame anyone there but myself on that. I capitalized on the chance for a literal-based joke and it went south. Shit happens, some people don't like that. I won't call anyone out because nobody SHOULD be called out but me, and that already happened. Am I changed from it? No, because it's such a minor thing, and I shouldn't beat myself over that fact because that's fucking low. That doesn't mean I won't think about it, but I'm always in my head so much I end up over-judging it and that is on me. It just feels weird, it just makes me constantly think "What could I have done different? What could I have SAID different? What could I have responsed different?". On that thread in particular I keep thinking about if I had said something else and what the response from everyone else would be. How they would've looked at me.'''

'''And once-a-fucking-gain it makes me think of my own views and the views by others. I guess I'm just stuck in the mindset that I am a constant thinker; a person who looks at every single outcome that could've been, could happen, will happen, it doesn't matter.'''

'''And you know, this ramble is looking very out of place. It doesn't look like it makes sense, at least in my eyes. Billion different topics. I'm not expecting much of a response anyway, not like I probably should, and that isn't on anyone themselves, nor do I want someone to blame. Why should we blame someone? All I'm doing is pointing out my own thoughts. I don't know if I should ask for anything or let it come.'''

'''And I don't know if waiting for something to arrive or asking for it myself is more of a crime itself or the other option. And I don't want to or expect it from anyone.'''

And somehow I think that's destroying myself.

'''And who knows what to say to that? '''

It's not mental.

'''It's not physical. '''

It's not emotional.

So fuck if I know what it is?

'''If it takes me 3 days to write up something I can't explain myself, and I know it's not anything directly or an overall answer or group, what am I going to do? I barely expect this to get much attention, I'm not asking it to get attention, I'm not asking people to respond, but then there's the side of me who's like "They're gonna respond to this; you made a fucking 2 page blog for fucks sake". So what can I expect?'''