User blog comment:Rasengan66/BM Chapter 1/@comment-35813313-20190330175424

I'll just make an entirely new comment instead of editing that mess.


 * "out of thin air and whipped it at" This may not be the best verb to use here.


 * The ball created a woosh in the air" I'd rephrase this to be "whooshed through the air", but that's nitpicking.


 * "as the “rock” got up and punched" Rephrase this.


 * "apparently expecting this, created a wooden bat" This is too vague. If you want to draw readers into the story, you should make this more detailed.

Yup, still not done. I'll get to the end once I get home.
 * "It had all been laid out" Remove this.
 * "who lived in this area." Rephrase this.
 * "But how? he thought, I don’t really have any powers. All I have is this sword." Italicize all of this and replace the comma with a period.
 * "Kashimi had already dealt with the opponent " How?
 * faster than a eye could follow" Replace "a" with "an".
 * "before striking the monster with his swords, a devastating blow. " This creates a disconnect. Connect it by adding "leaving" before it.
 * "Tanro made two quick strikes to its neck, before" Make this more concise: "struck its neck twice". Remove the comma.
 * "Shinmai showed them his skill he had already accumulated as a demigod." How? Remove this or move it to after Shinmai demonstrates his skills.
 * "Unsatisfied, Kashimi threw a second ball at another rock. She let this one drop to the ground." This interrupts Kurato's internal dialogue; make this the beginning of the next paragraph and remove "But".
 * "He banged it against the ground" Too vague; replace with "Shinmai".
 * "was charging the troll, and managed to slashed" Remove the comma and "and", replace "manage" with "managing", and replace "slash" with "slashed".
 * "and suddenly Shimai was holding" Redundant; replace with a different word.
 * "a metal ball and a knife, attached" Remove the comma.
 * "Using his downwards momentum" Remove this.
 * "stabbed the troll in the forehead, with" Remove the comma.
 * "but he had already awaken." Wrong tense.
 * "he got out a few ninja stars." Replace this with a different word or phrase.
 * "Not compared to watching his friends use their magic." This is an incomplete sentence.
 * "It was really just like that of a mortal, no demigodly powers at all." Replace the comma with "with". "Demigodly" isn't a word.
 * "from head to toe with all manner of weapons" Replace this with a different word.
 * "that hung on the monster’s skin awkwardly." This is a nitpicking issue, but I'd rephrase this to be "all dug deeply into the monster's skin. The monster staggered slightly, letting out a roar so terrible Kurato covered his ears." This is my writing style; regardless, this should be rephrased.
 * "About to deliver the finishing blow, Hatsuga" Remove this; I tried to see if it could be put in without making the sentecne awkward, but it isn't necessary.
 * "to the ground, before" Don't use commas before the word "before".
 * "as if it was a gun firing." Avoid ending sentences with a verb ending with "-ing".
 * "Tree leaves wilted," Remove "trees" and the comma.
 * "as the crumbled" Replace "the" with "they".
 * "turned brown, and several birds" Replace with "as".
 * "Then a wall of fire shot out from his" I'd rephrase this to "A wall of fire then". Replace "from" with "of".
 * "heat re-emitted from his" Replace with "re-emitting".
 * "the nearby creek completely disappeared." Authors usually don't like the word "completely" because it seems a bit informal. I'd replace this with "disappeared entirely".
 * "There was a sick CRACK" Make this lowercase and italicized.