Talk:Mafioso/@comment-25900085-20141228181651/@comment-101.81.21.241-20150106135404

This story has a good concept, and I like the idea that it is using a female as the main character mentioned. Instead of companion, I suggest labelling objects as possessions. Remove the ...problem was, and make it something along the lines of 'she lunges towards him, holding her knife above her head, however was thrown to the ground as his brass knuckles made contact with her face, instantly knocking her out'. Instead of placing 'first day there, second day there, third day there', I suggest try using one of two sentences describing the days, such as beginning with 'upon waking up, ____' and ending with 'finally sustained her last blow before being knocked into a dreamless sleep', then starting with 'her head felt woozy as she got out of the bed the next day', etc. The ending is decent, however I recommend changing the beginning of the sentences to something of more variety instead of beginning with the person.