Board Thread:General Discussion/@comment-33161724-20161205130139

Oh, boy. More drama from Venera. And don't even try to correct me on that one.

Recently, the live chat has been a boiling pot of hatred and sadness. And I was the main perpetrator behind it all.

Rocket's current status? Caused by me.

But wait. There's more.

Loner and Random's scandal that nearly caused them their relationship? Caused by me.FirePyre and likely other people desiring to leave chat? Caused by me. MY current suicidal thoughts? Caused by me.

Hell, I don't even know if Light considers that "me and Eddie" Thing a joke or if he really does let it get under his skin. I'd regret it if he took that "bisexuality is a sin" seriously. But then again, he's supposed to.

I have taken potshots at pretty much everybody, from Loner to Rocket to Redja to Light to even the legend Yami her goddamn self.

How the hell am I even alive at this point? At this rate, the only thing keeping me from jumping out of the moving car is Bryan. And, to an extent, you guys.

Notice how I didn't say Eddie (for once). I feel like he's been trying to sever our connections ever since I opened up to him about how I really felt about him. I hate it. I absolutely hate it. It makes me feel disregarded. It makes sense, but I wish he would at least tell me straight-up that he doesn't want to be associated with me anymore and would prefer rotting in hell to being with me in a room for 5 fucking seconds. Ugh, I'm exaggerating again. Hang on.

Things did not go well yesterday at all. My parents took away my video games for the day--now, that's not the reason I wanted to end my life right then and there. That part comes later. So, I was stuck being a bit peeved as usual when I decided to really think about what's been happening the past month.

And that's when it crashed down on me.

All the failures, all the teasing, all of the hopelessness, all the suicidal thoughts caused by me--not just by me, but Rocket as well-- all the problems in my life just came rushing right through me. I felt a wave of nausea similar to when Eddie said he had a girlfriend, but it lingered there for the rest of the day. I kept picturing me just opening the door and tumbling out. The pain was a bit more realistic than it should have been.

This isn't the first time I've been suicidal, believe me. It was just the first time in a WHILE that I've had these kinds of thoughts. I guess all the chaos I've caused in this vessel finally caught up to me.

The worst part is when my parents started arguing. They thought I was crying because they grounded me for one measly day. And that's when it hit me--they barely knew what was going on in the background of my pitiful existence. Could they truly feel sympathy for me?

If you had a child that was happy-go-lucky all the time and then "somehow" breaks down over the tiniest little issue, wouldn't you be concerned?

And all the rest of the time we were dining, I didn't eat anything. Actually, I didn't eat anything all day. And they never pressed the issue. They only avoided my trouble, like I was some kind of embarrassment.

I've heard that suicidal people show signs, warning calls that they were on the brink of their patience for this existence. Well, obviously my parents decided to completely ignore that from me. They should be thankful that I won't do it.

I don't have the guts to do it. I always keep pressing the thought that there's too much life left in me for me to miss out on it simply because of one little thing. But obviously this is more of a quick slideshow of all the things I fucked up on, and I'm hanging on by a thread.

It's funny. Rocket didn't exactly open up on his feelings. All he said was a generic "fuck you" to the wiki and just stayed idle for a bit. Obviously I wanted to do the same, but in the end I decided to try and go in-depth. Maybe actually find a fucking solution.

Well, don't worry. I'll try and hold on as long as I can. I hope I can manage to stay off chat for longer---leave the drama out here in the real world for me to deal with.

Sincerely,

Kevin 